so break kind of sucked, but i'll atleast keep an update of everything that i did. so last friday, manda and elise came to my house. there was an attempt to make mac and cheese, but it failed miserably, and we were basically just hanging out. next came thaniel, we didn't really feel like going out so it all worked. i kind of wanted to go to lauren's since i like everyone who went and it was a bit of a birthday celebration, but whatever i didn't go. meg said that it was lots of fun though, which is good, for lauren and meg and everyone else who went. well so manda had to leave early, which was sad because she was going to colorado, i didn't want her to go, but apparently my opinion doesn't matter much to her family. ben came over at like 11 30, i gave him his birthday presents, finally and we all just hung out. thaniel left at like 12 15 which was sad cause he left for florida early the next morning and i haven't seen him all break. so then it was just elise ben and i which did get a bit awkward, well for me anyways and i did at some point go to get ice cream, neither of them noticed that i left, which is strange. don't get the wrong idea though, nothing happened.

saturday ronnie came into the city, he called me and showed up outside of my door, as he always does, with his best friend kyle, who in my opinion, was cute. he drove me up to lauren's and then waited for me, and we went to elise's. elise was angered by him, but i was unaware when i decided we should surprise her. i think it all worked out for the best, for her anyways. so after leaving elise's i went down to the naked riot concert, which was a lot of fun. i bonded with ben's cousin as i promised him i would and she even came to ronnie's with me after the show. mech rebecca and i came uptown and went to ronnie's, i thought it would be awkward but it wasn't. we had fun, did a little drinking, mech left early and rebecca left about 11 or so. joe got sick, which he doesn't do, so this was the first wierd thing of the night. oh p.s. before i go on anymore, this night sucked, know that. so we were hanging out, rachel got to hook up with kyle and it is ronnie's doing because of this whole little 5 4 3 2 1 game thing he kept doing. basically at 1 you hook up and he did it to kyle and rach and then kyle and i but rach came in and i was like wtf ronnie and we didn't end up hooking up. maggie had a little bit of a break down, but it's all good and i bonded with rach and maggie that night so it was good cause we were on awkward terms prior. randomly, delicious showed up, he was pretty fucked up adn was all over me and he wouldn't take no mfor an answer when he kept trying to kiss me. he kept kissing my neck and pulling me onto his lap and i had to keep pulling away from him it was actually very scary. i had also asked elise to stop leaving me for ronnie cause i didn't want to be left alone with deli but she left me anyways. at some point i just got up and walked out of the house. but it was good i did and ben came and met me, with gabriel, but this is honestly why i love ben. he really is there when i need him, whether it be physically or over the phone. i know it's bad, actually it's a good thing. ben reminds me a lot of nic, gosh i have an exact idea of what i want in a best friend. both are great guys and dependable, or at least i thought so. i still will never forget that time when i waske uptown on the lower side of riverside drive and all of my friends started getting in fights and elise, not complete of mind, ran away into the park alone and she would't come back up. i remember i started crying and called nic cause i just couldn't handle everything and he told me to call him as soon as i got home. so i called him when i got home, which was probably about 11 40, three people came home with me that night to sleep over and i remember that within five minutes of being home, nic had shown up in my room. i was happy to see him, but i was very upset about the night and i lied down on the bed. i wasn't relly crying, but i was obviously upset and overwhelmed and he just came over and laid on my bed next to me and hugged me. nic had a tendency to gove a lot of attention to other girls, which there isn't anything wrong with. but this oe night, he put his attention on me and was there for me when i needed him. not to mention, he wasn't allowed to come out that night and when he told his mom he was leaving she said he better not or he was going to be in trouble, but he walked out. but yeah, anyways, ben came and met me and we just walked around for a long time, because he knew i didn't want to go back and i was in an even worse mood cause my phone had died. elise called my bens cell though and told me that deli had taken a lot of corvine and started spazzing out on the floor and she was scared and ronnie and kyle were about to beat him up and he completely tore apart the living room. i was scared and ben wanted to bring me inside but i wouldn't let him and made him leave. the rest of the night just sucked too, i regretted not staying home.

sunday through the rest of the week, i basically did nothing. i watched a lot of movies, spent a lot of time at home, but with elise of course and went out here and there. one night that started out really bad, but turned out good, i went out with elise, we ended up meeting meg and jordan. the boys came over to the west side and all of them went to chris' party at david's, so stupid, why would you give him the key? meg said she was going to go home, but elise and i found her upset on the end of the block. we met a funny lady, that had come to 88th and broadway, instead of going where she was supposed to 88 broadway, somewhere in chinatown, and she concluded that no asian people speak english down in chinatown. then elise went home and meg and i went and chilled at hot and crusty's. it was good, we bonded and talked about everything that's been up. then nic and corey came and met us, mad awkward, but meg took charge which was good. i left earlier then i had to, cause i didn't want t walk home with nic and yeah. then on the phone with ben later, as i always am, we concluded that he was going to have a son named djengo moon spinrad, and maybe even djengo moon spinrad XIIII. djengo (reinhardt)...(keith) moon...and obviously spinrad. the XIIII is to throw people off, because there weren't thirteen people with that name before him. wow we are going to fuck with our children's heads.

thursday night was good, ben came into the city about 5 30 and he brought donnie darko, which i have never seen before, it was really good. i understand his obsession. dweeze came over about six, she had detention or something but i love her and haven't seen her in forever, so it was great. we watched the movie, got pizza, took some movies/pictures and then dweeze left. ben stayed until 10 because he had a party to go to that started at 10, fashionably late he was. ben was then adopted into my family by my brothers because he got the psp working and we just chilled. around 9 30 though, i received calls from meg, jill and linus and they came over and by jordan's request we watched 8 mile. jill left with ben at 10 because she's a lahoo-zahur and linus left at like 11, he was menstrating and therefor had bad cramps. so it was just meg jordan and i til like 12 20, when they left. we had fun and jordan is obsessed with all of the little toys in my house and again meg and i did some bonding time.

friday, elise and i wondered around and did nothing, she went home at 10 and i went to go see the aviator with my dad at 11 30. it was a good movie though, worthwhile seeing. today, the last night of break sucked, i had nothing to do, called kathleen, she couldn't hang out but she told me to call mark e mark. mark told me to come upto ray's, on the way i ran into ace and carm, we stopped at hot and crusty, meg nic sash asher and freshies were there. we left went upto ray's, mark was with charlotte and mike and thalia were in the bathroom. mark didn't even say hi to me, felling very awkward because veryone was coupled off, asher and i went back to hc, then all the other people came, again mark didnt say hi and then they all left and i didnt get to say bye to any of them. so then joe randomly shows up which was awkward but fine. i didn't really talk to nic at all, elise comes in and doesn't really say hi to me, but goes and sits with nic and keeps kissing his head, whatever i know i can't stop caring but i do have to shut up about it. when we are leaving hc, its meg elise and i and then nic and sash. the boys say bye to elise and meg and then are kind looking at me, very awkward but nic kind of waves bye and then i just go and hug him. elise starts to laugh, and this just makes it more awkward. we go to city diner, i didn't want to have to walk home with nic and this is wy i went. elise laughed cause she apparently thought i hated nic, but i don't i know i should, but i don't. he was an ass to me and i shouldn't be able to stand him, but for some reason i still care about him as a friend and that's why when my parents asked if that was nic walking down to riverside, i covered it up and said that it wasn't that they didn't know what they were talking abut and convinced them it was someone else.

finally i am very happy because manda is finally home and i miss her greatly, i can't wait to see her and woo hoo, she redid her profile and i am quite included, well it's either me or this girl in aspen but whatever.

Why have things changed so much since last year? I know things should get easier to deal with the longer its been, but it seems to me like nothing has changed from when i first started dealing with all this shit. There so much going on and i hate it, well most of it anyways.

Right around this time last year give or take like 10 days, life was fantastic and it felt like nothing could hurt me but right now, i feel like the most fragile person in the entire world. This time last year, wow i must have been the happiest girl in the entire world. I had a new boyfriend, i was snowboarding the wonderful Colorado slopes, and i had the most wonderful friends in the entire world. Wow, i don't know if anyone remembers, much less saw the way my face lit up on Valentine's Day when Nic surprised me with that box of chocolates. That was one of the few times that i have ever had a smile as big as that stretching across my entire face. He really was my best friend, wow that's hard to say. Not the best friend part, because there was no doubt he was, but the was part because no matter how much of a dick is to me i do still miss him.

I hate the idea that you only have two great loves in your life, because honestly, when do you truly know that you are in love. I mean you can obviously love some one with all your heart, but not be in love with them. Its kind of hard to understand. You see, there are definitely people that i've told i love you to, but i of course mean that only as a friend, i am not in love with them. It really is the hardest thing in the entire world to tell someone that you are in love with them. I don't understand how people do it so easily, its just not something that can be taken back easily. The worst is when you don't tell someone you love them because it just doesn't seem like a big deal and then you never get a chance to tell them again. For anyone reading this, they probably think that i'm referring to when someone dies, but that's not the only time i'm referring to. Yes the whole death situation may apply in the future and i hope to god that it doesn't but you can't tell future and you need to prepare for anything, but i'm also referring to the end of friendships. When you don't try everything in your power to resolve a fight or an argument and it actually ends up leading to the end of the friendship. You will never regret anything more then telling that person that you love them that last time that you two were perfectly contempt and happy. Fuck why does all of this stuff still make me cry. So just trust me no matter what, tell all of your friends, family, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, whoever the hell they are that you love them whenever you can cause things can really dissappear right in front of your eyes and you will never get nother chance.

Well let's see how things are going right now, especially as compared to last year. Ugh well Nic and Meg are best friends, it's still hard to deal with but i am incredibly happy for them, cordelia and dweeze have gotten mad tight and i sadly don't see dweeze as much as i wish i did, i don't talk to or see manda half as much as i wish i did, elise either, but i really miss sitting on the phone with manda and talking to her every night. Things have changed though, she has tiah and i have ben. I'm not on my ski vacation this week which i miss a lot, i used to have so much fun and it just makes me feel even more so like my life is completely falling apart, it was a tradition, we did it every year and now no. That's not even the worst of it though, i miss my cousins and i hate the fact that my parents keep bringing up that i might not have all of my cousins anymore. I have spent so many night crying because of Nick, and i am spelling it correctly, i'm talking about my cousin here. I'm sure i've said something about this, but my cousin Nick was diagnosed with cancer this past summer, he missed out going to college for his freshman year and i'm just completely scared for him. I love him and I wouldn't be able to handle anything happening to him. I am so proud of how he has handled everything and i'm completely confident about him coming out of everything completely fine, but then my parents go and say things to me without even thinking. LIke the other day, my dad and i were talking about our summer vacation plans and he mentioned that we were planning on taking nick, i said that was exciting and then he had to go and say that nancy, nick's mother, wanted us to take him because she wants him to get as many opportunities as possible just in case anything were to happen. I completely agree with her, it's just that i really can't handle when people talk about things like thata. I want to enjoy the time i have with him. I know everything is going to be fine though, he's a strong kid and he'll make it through. I'm also planning on going to visit him this week, it will be good.

Wow now i'm sitting here, wondering whether to go all dweezle and go through a bit of an emo phase (god i hate those terms) or just listen to my comfort music, which as it turns out, consists of all of my summer music. aka Fall Out Boy, Starting Line, Blink, Dashboard, Third Eye Blind, Something Coorperate, Bob Marley, Wakefield, Mest and of god of course OAR. "And I said 'Johnny watcha' doing tonight?' He looked at me with a face full of fright. And I said 'How bout a revolution?' and he said 'right'. And I say 'oh'. You say 'ah'. And I say 'revolution' and you say 'jah'." This song always makes me feel better and that's probably cause i have the image of sean and my lil cousin of will sitting in the car on the way to sailing singing these words to eachother. That truly was the song of our holdem filled summer.

Oh and before i completely forget. I have complete and total obseesion with NAKED RIOT and according to ben I am a total groupie, but it's all good because i am not alone in my obsession and they are going to be huge. Do not miss a chance to see at least on of their shows.

So the night started out great, i was having a lot of fun. Hanging out with manda and elise and then we were going to meet dweeze, but i had to give ben his present before he went on to play cause i wanted him to wear it, so we went down and met her down there. We got to be cbgb's, met monica, asa yelled out my name, and so i went and said hi and he introduced me to his mom again and said that she was going to get us into the show, since you had to be 16 with id to get in. I also saw ben and gave him part of his present. He was freaking out all week about what to wear and so i got him not only the perfect present, but the perfect shirt. DRUM NAKED is what it said, like come on Naked Riot is his band and he is the drummer. Kate said that it was an awesome shirt and said it should be his trademark, i told him he had to wear it forever and never change. It made me happy that i gave him such a good present though. So the show was great, the boys were absolutely amazing. i love paul and marco they are just such cool people and paul's body. woah wow, ha ben is so tired of me saying that, but he knows it too. Everyone was moshing and it was crazy crowded but it was so much fun.

So yeah i signed the wall again. That will be two signatures and two dates on the wall from me. No tags, hehehe i tagged the wall. Then, this is when my night started going down hill. Ben seemed completely oblivious yowards me, which was really bothering me, i was going to en's party then shannah called me, so i went to get her. Her, manda and i walked to the train, she got on, and i was all alone, but she is the cutest girl in the entire world and i can't wait until her shimmy forces her to have a shake off with a big black man. The rest of the night, i wondered the streets of new york and did nothing, i hung out with carmen for a while at ben's party, but then both her and went our separate ways. I had called a bunch of people, they all said they were going to call me back and none of them did. so i had a shitty night, ended up coming home at 11 and yeah it wasn't very fun.

So the way my night ended, i'm surrently: sleeping at home, mad at one of my best friends (stupidly may i had), and in extreme dislike of the boy i'm crushing on. This sucks.

Currently Playing Everybody Got Their Something By Nikka Costa see related

so anyway this weekend was great, friday still grounded did nothing, but saturday i hung out with manda and elise which i havent done in a very long time. we had a lot of fun and things just seemed to be good, i hope everything works itself out. we went and met meg thaniel and the freshy boys and hung out at the monument and then we met up with the east side middle boys and the juniors girls and went to my house. Of course it was dramatically ruined when my parents walked in to the house to bianca tearing lauren's shirt off. it was great, they didnt say anything though. Jordan broke an ornament and thaniel started eating my earings but overall, it was very good. I was supposed to get in trouble for having like 15 people over but i didnt. Then outside, jordan found a kiddie 4-wheeler so of course he had to keep riding it up and down the block. I had also been out with Hon the entire day earlier. We went shopping and went like all over and then there were miscommunications so i didnt meet the naked riot boys at the studio.

Sunday i juniored it basically. I went to see ben and marco at the studio. Then elise and mon came and met us. Ben elise mon and i played mow and basically just hung out and the matt got pissed and said we had to leave i felt bad for interuppting their recording session but what can ya do. So we left, walked around, went to mons. Ace called me and said that i should come to janes, but only i could come and then he hung up so that mark could call me, cause he owed me a call from the night before. Elise and mon decided to go uptown and cause i didnt feel like going, i went and met mark and mike and they brought me to janes. It was fucking cold out. we got up and it was just me and the juniors. then ben and marco came and met us and the boys had a blues freestyle session, it was hilarious they make me laugh and very happy. i have it on tape too. I didnt smoke but many others had and sadly i didnt really get to hang out with ben and asa left pretty early. as it ends up, more people were allowed, so elise and mon came don with meg and i think they were mad at me but there was nothing i could have done. i took the traim home with mark and beks, but beks was quiet, so it was basically mark and i talking and we read some funny article in the onion about a man and his "blackdar". Then we got off at 96th, i decided i wanted pizza, so mark came with me and then started walking me home. We parted wasys though and then i ran into some of the college boys like james deli and beans. james i love and went to visit earlier in the day, i hadn't seen him for so long, but we caught up on matters. Then i also ran into the j-man, jordan that was a bit funny. So then i got home, talked to ben on the phone which i havent dont in forever, talked to mari, (and honor cause at some point in the night mari like threatened to kill hon) and went to sleep. I had a really good dream that i cant share because its about a boy i ,ike but shouldnt and i am confizzled by the situation. but oh man how i like him. it sucks.

Anyways sunday was mostly spent on the phone with manda jill or ben, online all day with ems (congrats on the guitar) mark and ace or listening to where i truly went wrong with my friends which was truly fun.

whatever going to think about boy problems night and yeah i think ronnie and i are going to hang out later this week woo-hoo.

breaking up is hard to do

wow its hard to deal with things when you feel they are completely crashing down. I know you are still my friend because i feel like we've had too much and we've gone through too much together to just drop it. Im not stupid though, i do know this entry was in direct relation to me, but anyways its had me thinking. I know i've been trying to fight it but i guess and can;t really anymore if you really feel the way you do. I hate that you feel this way but i dont know i guess i cant really blame you, i mean the majority of my friends have chosen nic over me anyways. it is worse then a breakup and it does bring me back too a metaphor you once made a long time ago. i guess at the time, it made me upset for you to say it, but obviously it has come out true. You and elise are like two but cheeks and im like the thong inbetween you two. You guys will never stop being friends, your attached but me, im simply the thong stuck between the butt cheeks, removable whenever. god this sounds stupid, but i guess it is turning out to be somewhat true. I guess theres no more i can do and i am sorry for freaking at out at you online tonight i shouldnt have. i will go no, but i do hope we are cool enough that things dont turn out the same way as they did with nic and i. but anyway i guess here you go, you never did have to "break up" with me and i maybe this will make it better then your last. You really are the most awesome person i know.

i will always love you one million red mm's and a million red swedish fish.